No pun intended.
I'm sure you've noticed I have not been faithful to the blog lately. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't exactly been faithful to any part of my weight-loss/health-gain plan in the last few months. Yes, I said it, months. In fact, I just weighed myself in what seems like FOREVER and I gained 25 pounds back from my lightest. It was worse than I thought it would be, but I won't let that stupid number on the scale discourage me and keep me from moving forward again. In fact, it's a bit liberating to finally log the number. I kept thinking this summer, 'once I get back to my light weight then I'll log.' Let me tell you, it doesn't work that way.
I had a really nice talk with Jessica last night and I was telling her that I finally realized what's going on. My backsliding isn't a physical thing. My body wants to move and be good. It's all in my head. I've been trying to figure out where my head is and why it's in such a bad place right now and I honestly think I have a few things to resolve from this summer. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have so much anger towards Dean for what he did this summer. The anger got worse as Alecia's pregnancy was progressing and now that Gracilyn is here, I'm really pissed. I know he was going through something awful and I can't begin to understand the feelings he was trying to work through but I still can't validate the decision that he made. I look at pictures of that little girl, who looks just like Dean, and I get fuming mad thinking that she might not get to know her daddy. Yes, we'll tell her all about him, but it's not the same thing. I get heart sick every time I hear one of Cody and Tasha's kids tell me how much they miss uncle Dean. When Brooklyn was here with Karla and Justin last month, she kept tell me that Dean got sick and had to leave. How do you help a 2 year old process the loss of someone she loves so much? Especially when he mad the decision to go. I know this all probably makes me sound really cold and selfish but these are the thoughts that are rolling around in my head and I have to deal with them before they consume me. I love Dean with all of my heart, please don't doubt that, and I'm working through this anger that I have. I've been talking with family about it and writing down here seems to be pretty cathartic. I think that working through these feelings and moving forward will be a really good thing, not just for me but for others in my family as well.
Anyway, moving on, I have decided to start NO NONSENSE NOVEMBER! There has been a lot of nonsense these past months and I need to end it now. I have a 5K that I'm running with Rishy on Thanksgiving morning. It's going to be bad and she's going to kick my butt because I haven't been training like I should, or at all. I honestly don't know if I can even run a 5K on the treadmill right now (guess I'll find out tomorrow monring). However, humiliating myself in front of my best friend on turkey day should be really good motivation to get my butt in gear. I've also decided that when my spin class through AA Rec/Ed is up (I only have two classes left), I'm going to purchase a package through the studio and keep going. It's less expensive per class and I'm not locked into going on Friday nights only. It will cost $130 for 20 classes that have to be used within 90 days. I figure I'll purchase the package when I get back from Iowa in early December. If I go twice per week, it should get me through the first part of the winter nicely. When the time comes, I'll decide if I want to purchase another package or maybe try something else.
Finally, I have to stop eating like a hog. I would explain but I think the words I just used describe the situation pretty clearly. It's bad and I need to stop. NOW.
Anywho, I'm going to try to be more active on the blog. I don't make any promises for this month though. I only have two weeks and then I'm gone and things could get really crazy at work (for reasons I can't currently mention in a public forum) but I will try my hardest to check in more regularly.
Now, I have lots of reading to catch up on so I can figure out what has been going on in your lives since last month. Have a great day all!
Happy to see you blog again!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely understand how your thoughts and feelings in relation to Dean can affect other parts of your life. It's so easy to slide back into bad habits if we are preoccupied with unfortunate events. Your head and heart certainly need a break from loss. Your family has experienced entirely too much loss in the past years.
I had forgotten you were running that race with Jessica. I'm sure your body will let you get back into 5K mode more easily than you expect. I'm glad that spinning has continued to appeal to you. The package deal seems nifty.
You're not the only one eating like a "hog" lately. Tis the season for me too. I wish food wasn't so appealing during times of stress and boredom.
'ello mate. Glad you gave us an update. I'm sure 25 pounds sounds horrible, because you know how much work it took to get those pounds off. I would encourage you to find that routine again. I found that if I break the routine that I have going, I feel guilty, and so I hop back into it. I still haven't ran a 5K, so you've got me beat. Plus, I don't think I run that much when I work out now.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jenny about your thoughts and feelings about Dean. I recently had a student try commit suicide. I got angry. Why didn't she talk to me about her problems? I think I would have been just as angry if she had succeeded. It's not fair to those who are left behind. I'm sure Dean and my student have un-relatable, unbearable thoughts and feelings. What they don't realize is that if they succeed in ending their lives, those un-relatble, unbearable thoughts and feelings are transferred to those left.
Don't let yourself buy "bad" food and keep "bad" food out of your vicinity. That's the best tip I've learned and it works for me. The most I let myself eat out is once a week.
If you don't start pushing yourself with diet and exercise, I think Thanksgiving and December will be tough. I don't mean to sound rude or high-n-mighty, because you are more successful at this weight loss gig than me. This is me being supportive, lol.
Good luck!